One To Maybe Miss - A film review about Earth to Echo

I don’t know whether this film is meant to be a target for my reviews or not as the only detail I have for it is “some children receive mysterious messages on their cell phone” and then the trail runs cold. It doesn’t go into specifics as to what the messages may be or where they’ve come from or even the circumstances under which the messages arrived so, given that the title has ‘Earth’ in it, I’m going to assume it means some aliens get in touch with the children via their phones and the children find it strange. I don’t even know how the messages arrive – are these phone calls, texts or have the aliens got Facebook?

Worse still, have the aliens been trying to send each other cheeky photos of their arses and pressed the wrong digits, sending the pictures flying towards some unprepared teenagers whose first contact is with the hairy cheeks of a little green man? I dread to think how far they got before they realised they were sending them to the wrong place and had to work out a way to apologise given that their language structure would be very different from ours. How do you say “Sorry you saw my nipples” to a race that’s evolved millions of light years away from your own world?

I can imagine the horror of the parents who had saved a fortune to get their child the latest mobile only to find it had been filled with intergalactic smut and had to take it back, leaving the poor thing confused and angry that they’d waited so long for such a gift only to have it removed. The banks lost all of their parents’ money trying to make their own fortune and, just as they started to recover, their only device of value was taken off them leaving them exposed to bullying from their peers and nicknames like “E.T. No Phone” through no fault of their own.

One To Maybe Miss - A film review about Yves Saint Laurent

Fashion is a peculiar practice. What makes something popular depends on a number of things such as the position of the moon, whether people can be bothered to look at an item and what colour sand lies on the nearest beach and yet, when something becomes popular, it is no longer popular because everyone has one. Fashion never stands still as it is always moving forward, however sometimes it needs to move sideways or even backwards to move forwards. I’m sure it’s not laziness when a designer takes something from thirty years ago and sells it for twice as much as it’s worth. I’m absolutely positive. 

People who are fashionable often take the opportunity to sneer at those not currently following the same trends and it’s easy to see why. Those with upturned noses have about three days to enjoy it before they have to go shopping again for new clothes and a complete makeover of their house and they can start sneering again. Some people bankrupt their families in the pursuit of acceptance and know they’re ruining themselves but can’t seem to stop. I know of people who get rid of last season’s stuff because they suddenly would never be seen dead in it despite the fact it still serves a purpose – keeping the wearer warm or cool or, at the very least, covering our desirables. 

To sit and watch a film about people who spend their lives fleecing the ignorant would be a horrendous waste of my life and would fuel the perception that what they do is necessary and valuable. What fashion houses actually do is create yet another divide between people who should be working together for a better future. I may sound like a hippy for saying so but I would much rather build a society without creative and social prejudices than wear jeans with stains on them and laugh at people who genuinely think they look alright.

ALL in a night’s work

“Big night tonight, you know”

“I know”

Mrs Christmas did know. She’d heard the same thing every year for more than a century, hoping that the sponsorship laid on by Coke might have calmed him down a bit but realising that it just made him a little more sure of himself.

As Mrs C finished the dishes she looked in on Santa with his feet up and a mince pie in his hand. He had crumbs down his suit and his hat was lying on the floor despite her constant reminders for him to put it at the bottom of the stairs. The sink gurgled as the water drained away and Mrs C sighed when she realised her husband had yet another plate. Her dishes weren’t yet complete.

“Little Oliver in Austria is on thin ice. Apparently he’ll make snowmen for the other children of the square and then smash them up again. If that isn’t treading the line between naughty and nice, I don’t know what is!”

Little Oliver came up every year. There were good children who did bad things and bad children who did good things, but Oliver was a conflict unto himself in the list. Mrs C was sick of hearing about him. She shrugged off his antics once more and drew the hoover from the cupboard.

“Must you do that now? I’m watching Celebrity Jungle Extravaganza. Might enter for it next year.”

It seemed the merry-go-round of phrases wasn’t yet complete. He would be leaving in an hour and that gave Mrs C twenty four  hours of peace before the whole charade started for another year. She drew a breath and put the hoover back, contemplating replacing the broken skirting but realising the hammering would interrupt him further.

“Then, I have so much to do that I doubt I could fit in weeks in the jungle too. I have to go round the world you know!”

She knew. Oh, how she knew.

Finally the time had come. Mrs C kissed Santa on his chubby red cheek and bid him farewell, hoping for a safe return as the love had never waned but also crossing her fingers that he’d get himself a coffee this year and give her an extra fifteen minutes. It was the one time of the year that she didn’t have to clean up his socks or make him a sandwich and, as with every year, she was going to make the most of it. She waved the sleigh off and closed the door, flicking the kettle on and smiling to herself.

He was a busy man, there was no doubt about that. However, it was all in a night’s work for him.

Terry's Train of Thought

Terry's Train of Thought is a weekly extravaganza of music and chat from 10am - 11.30am every Friday on Redruth Radio. As well as requests and shout outs Terry regularly delves back into the long lost music of the 90's and 2000's, hoping to stir the kid that's lurking inside all of us.

There are regular features such as the Pound Shop album of the week, inspired by the quality of CDs available in local dirt cheap establishments and proving just how stuck in the best of the past Terry really is. He also takes a look at obscure sports of the world with the help of Producer Simon, from the World Beard and Moustache Championships to Chess Boxing, highlighting the variety of activities that people spend their spare time doing.

There is a weekly competition in association with www.littlesouth.com giving listeners the chance to win tickets to a LS event in Cornwall. To be in with a chance of winning involves running onto the LS page during the show and answering a simple question.

Listeners can get in touch with the show either via www.facebook.com/buffetcart, www.twitter.com/buffetcart or via text on 07726591241. Often Producer Mary is manning the contact forums so be sure to say Hello and get your requests in early.

Anybody missing the show can always catch up later that evening at www.mixcloud.com/buffetcart and past shows will be there for weeks afterwards. Join us for the best music, chat and reviews of films that Terry will never go to see in our regular 'One To Maybe Miss' feature.

Tune in every Friday at 10am via www.redruth.fm.

The Problems with Dial Up

Connect

Dialling…

The server has been interrupted

By What?

Just interrupted. That’s all you need to know.

Redial

Dialling…

Verifying Username and Password (Final Stage)

Username and/or password is incorrect

It’s the same one I always use

You must have typed them incorrectly

But YOU saved them!

Just try again

Redial

Dialling…

Unable to connect

That’s a bit vague

It’s not me who wants to be connected

Ok then…

Redial

Dialling…

(5 Minutes later)

Dialling…

Are you dialling, or are you just saying that you are?

Patience, just wait a second

Dialling…

The server has timed out

I thought you said you were dialling!

When I said patience, I meant wait for the reason that I WASN’T dialling

This is getting ridiculous, you’ve done this a million times before

Why don’t you play cards or something?

I don’t pay a monthly fee for you to sit there and do nothing

RESTART COMPUTER

Noooo…please don’t do it, I may never come back…

Welcome Back

Don’t patronise me

Connect

Dialling…

That was a bit sad, begging me not to turn you off

I’m busy, can’t you see?

Dialling…

Unable to connect

You’ve already done that one

It’s for a different reason

What was the first reason?

I can’t tell you

And this one?

I can’t tell you that, either

Pathetic, you stupid thing

Redial

Dialling…

Error 23964 - This system will close immediately

WHAT???

Can’t you read?

Connect

Dialling…

What for? I’ve been here for half an hour and I haven’t seen a glimpse of the Internet

You’ve seen it before, haven’t you?

I only came on to check my email

You won’t have any

What’s it got to do with you?

Nothing

Dialling…

The server…

Don’t you dare tell me the server was interrupted

…cannot be found

Have you tried looking?

Of course, did you dial the right number?

YOU tell ME, there’s no number on the screen! I trust you to dial the right number!

How long have you known me to trust me like that?

LONG ENOUGH. 

Redial

Dialling…

The Port is open

I’m almost excited that you’re showing me a new message, but I can’t help thinking that it’s a bad one

Why would you think that?

Because all of your messages are bad

Oooooh, you cheeky…

It is, though, isn’t it?

Yes

What does it mean?

It means that I’m already trying to dial

Did I tell you to?

You didn’t tell me not to. Plus it’s the only way to get online.

Why didn’t you tell me you were already dialling? Forget it, I doubt I even want to know. Have you finished yet?

Yes

Redial

Dialling…

This service has not been able to connect. If the problem persists, please ring technical support on 0906 800 0000

The problem has been persisting for a very long time, yet I have not once been told to ring technical support

I don’t think they can fix user problems

Define ‘user problems’…

It’s simple – you’re the user, and that’s the problem

I also happen to be your master

Oh holy one, will I be considered for eternal life?

Don’t start with me, I’m at the end of my tether because of your inability to do one simple job

Redial

Dialling…

Verifying Username and Password

Why has the screen gone blank?

Er, hang on. I’m not sure. Just sorting the…

YOU’RE NOT SURE?

Hang on

Why does that surprise me? I shouldn’t be surprised

I said one minute! Stop clicking things!

Fine, fine, whatever you say

Try it again a minute

Redial

Dialling…

Seems to have done the job

What job?

The job of sorting out whatever was wrong a second ago

Your problem, then

How do you know it was me?

It’s always you

Dialling…

It’s done it again! I don’t believe it!

It’s fine. I know what it is now

But you can’t tell me, right?

Right. This should be it now

Redial

Dialling…

You’d better be

Can’t you hear the tones? Bleeeeep bleep bleep

You’re whistling them, aren’t you? There is no tone. You’re just keeping me here

Don’t flatter yourself

Dialling…

Bleeeeeep, bleeeeeeeeep

Verifying Username and Password

You’d better have got it right

You typed it

No I didn’t – The one I typed got me on to the Internet last time. It’s you that’s messed it up this time

Still verifying…

Get a move on

*YOU ARE CONNECTED*

About time too

Loading page…

This program has performed an illegal operation and will close immediately.

A what?

It says illegal. Would you like me to spell it phonetically?

What has it done, robbed a bank?

Oh har har. I haven’t heard that one before. Anyway you’re still connected, just open the page again.

Open page

Dialling…

(Computer ‘falls’ out of upstairs window)

Conversations With My Paintbrush

I've been writing a lot of dialogue recently for plays etc. and, as such, it has led me to have a million conversations in my head with objects that are within my proximity. Here's one from this morning that occurred while I was painting the underside of my Mini bonnet.

Me: I guess you're lucky this morning.

Paintbrush: Why's that?

Me: You get to paint with Hammerite.

Paintbrush: Why does that make me lucky?

Me: Being associated with such a good brand. We're essentially bullet-proofing this metal.

Paintbrush: I see what you're saying...

Me: Glad you agree.

Paintbrush: I didn't say I agreed.

Me: Oh?

Paintbrush: It's a privilege to be using such a good material, but think of it from my point of view.

Me: I've got plenty of thinners, it'll come out of your hair.

Paintbrush: I'm not worried about that, if anything hardened paint makes my hair look stylish.

Me: Right.

Paintbrush: It's the finished product, the bit that everyone looks at. They will either say one of two things.

Me: Such as..?

Paintbrush: They'll either say it looks really good, which they'll attribute to the Hammerite, or they'll say there are loads of runs and it looks rubbish which they'll attribute to you. Either way, good or bad, they won't mention me.

Me: It's a good point. Would you like me to name check you if people say what a good job we've done?

Paintbrush: Name check? Have you named me?

Me: Not really, but I could say, "Brushy and I did a good job".

Paintbrush: I'd rather not be mentioned than have a ridiculous name like 'Brushy'.

Me: OK, sorry. What would you rather be called?

Paintbrush: Forget it, it's not a big deal.

*Awkward silence*

Paintbrush: Your paint's started to run.

Avengers Assemble - A Review

This is a review of the new* film, "Avengers Assemble", which has Robert Downey Junior in it somewhere. The film itself is one I won't be going to see because, as I understand, it is a collection of comic heroes from other films all brought together to form one new film and I've never had the desire to watch any of the other films so it's likely I won't have much interest in this one either.

 After filming the actors were probably tired, meaning the acting is possibly edited to remove the tiredness of the previous day's filming from the faces of those given primary roles. The action sequences, having been produced and collated in 2012, most probably have a lot of effects and I find that sometimes, while these effects are outstanding, they also take a lot away from the film and wow the audience into thinking the film doesn't need a plot. I prefer those films where people stand around talking for ages and then something happens and they all go "Wipe out. I didn't expect that." with absolutely no effects at all.

 Even with the addition of 3D, which is a concept meaning essentially the characters are just made bigger to make it seem like they're closer (Think 'Father Ted') I don't think I could be enticed to watch a load of characters from other films I haven't seen come together and save the world from an evil presence that could have taken it's chance when they were all separate, insinuating it would have been easier to deal with. I would suggest going to see this film if you want to as I can give you no real insight, however like all reviews this is my opinion and therefore not something you should consider before going to see something. If you like it you'll know fairly soon into the film and if you don't like comic action films then chances are this won't float your boat and you should have thought about that before your mate said he had tickets and you might as well go because you never go out any more due to 'the incident' and you thought perhaps he was right. 

(*'new' refers to right now, when I am writing this post. If you come across it in 2026 and think 'this isn't new, what's he talking about? That film is beyond ancient' then it's because effectively you're from the future.)