One To Maybe Miss - A film review about Earth to Echo

I don’t know whether this film is meant to be a target for my reviews or not as the only detail I have for it is “some children receive mysterious messages on their cell phone” and then the trail runs cold. It doesn’t go into specifics as to what the messages may be or where they’ve come from or even the circumstances under which the messages arrived so, given that the title has ‘Earth’ in it, I’m going to assume it means some aliens get in touch with the children via their phones and the children find it strange. I don’t even know how the messages arrive – are these phone calls, texts or have the aliens got Facebook?

Worse still, have the aliens been trying to send each other cheeky photos of their arses and pressed the wrong digits, sending the pictures flying towards some unprepared teenagers whose first contact is with the hairy cheeks of a little green man? I dread to think how far they got before they realised they were sending them to the wrong place and had to work out a way to apologise given that their language structure would be very different from ours. How do you say “Sorry you saw my nipples” to a race that’s evolved millions of light years away from your own world?

I can imagine the horror of the parents who had saved a fortune to get their child the latest mobile only to find it had been filled with intergalactic smut and had to take it back, leaving the poor thing confused and angry that they’d waited so long for such a gift only to have it removed. The banks lost all of their parents’ money trying to make their own fortune and, just as they started to recover, their only device of value was taken off them leaving them exposed to bullying from their peers and nicknames like “E.T. No Phone” through no fault of their own.

One To Maybe Miss - A film review about Yves Saint Laurent

Fashion is a peculiar practice. What makes something popular depends on a number of things such as the position of the moon, whether people can be bothered to look at an item and what colour sand lies on the nearest beach and yet, when something becomes popular, it is no longer popular because everyone has one. Fashion never stands still as it is always moving forward, however sometimes it needs to move sideways or even backwards to move forwards. I’m sure it’s not laziness when a designer takes something from thirty years ago and sells it for twice as much as it’s worth. I’m absolutely positive. 

People who are fashionable often take the opportunity to sneer at those not currently following the same trends and it’s easy to see why. Those with upturned noses have about three days to enjoy it before they have to go shopping again for new clothes and a complete makeover of their house and they can start sneering again. Some people bankrupt their families in the pursuit of acceptance and know they’re ruining themselves but can’t seem to stop. I know of people who get rid of last season’s stuff because they suddenly would never be seen dead in it despite the fact it still serves a purpose – keeping the wearer warm or cool or, at the very least, covering our desirables. 

To sit and watch a film about people who spend their lives fleecing the ignorant would be a horrendous waste of my life and would fuel the perception that what they do is necessary and valuable. What fashion houses actually do is create yet another divide between people who should be working together for a better future. I may sound like a hippy for saying so but I would much rather build a society without creative and social prejudices than wear jeans with stains on them and laugh at people who genuinely think they look alright.

ALL in a night’s work

“Big night tonight, you know”

“I know”

Mrs Christmas did know. She’d heard the same thing every year for more than a century, hoping that the sponsorship laid on by Coke might have calmed him down a bit but realising that it just made him a little more sure of himself.

As Mrs C finished the dishes she looked in on Santa with his feet up and a mince pie in his hand. He had crumbs down his suit and his hat was lying on the floor despite her constant reminders for him to put it at the bottom of the stairs. The sink gurgled as the water drained away and Mrs C sighed when she realised her husband had yet another plate. Her dishes weren’t yet complete.

“Little Oliver in Austria is on thin ice. Apparently he’ll make snowmen for the other children of the square and then smash them up again. If that isn’t treading the line between naughty and nice, I don’t know what is!”

Little Oliver came up every year. There were good children who did bad things and bad children who did good things, but Oliver was a conflict unto himself in the list. Mrs C was sick of hearing about him. She shrugged off his antics once more and drew the hoover from the cupboard.

“Must you do that now? I’m watching Celebrity Jungle Extravaganza. Might enter for it next year.”

It seemed the merry-go-round of phrases wasn’t yet complete. He would be leaving in an hour and that gave Mrs C twenty four  hours of peace before the whole charade started for another year. She drew a breath and put the hoover back, contemplating replacing the broken skirting but realising the hammering would interrupt him further.

“Then, I have so much to do that I doubt I could fit in weeks in the jungle too. I have to go round the world you know!”

She knew. Oh, how she knew.

Finally the time had come. Mrs C kissed Santa on his chubby red cheek and bid him farewell, hoping for a safe return as the love had never waned but also crossing her fingers that he’d get himself a coffee this year and give her an extra fifteen minutes. It was the one time of the year that she didn’t have to clean up his socks or make him a sandwich and, as with every year, she was going to make the most of it. She waved the sleigh off and closed the door, flicking the kettle on and smiling to herself.

He was a busy man, there was no doubt about that. However, it was all in a night’s work for him.

Terry's Train of Thought

Terry's Train of Thought is a weekly extravaganza of music and chat from 10am - 11.30am every Friday on Redruth Radio. As well as requests and shout outs Terry regularly delves back into the long lost music of the 90's and 2000's, hoping to stir the kid that's lurking inside all of us.

There are regular features such as the Pound Shop album of the week, inspired by the quality of CDs available in local dirt cheap establishments and proving just how stuck in the best of the past Terry really is. He also takes a look at obscure sports of the world with the help of Producer Simon, from the World Beard and Moustache Championships to Chess Boxing, highlighting the variety of activities that people spend their spare time doing.

There is a weekly competition in association with www.littlesouth.com giving listeners the chance to win tickets to a LS event in Cornwall. To be in with a chance of winning involves running onto the LS page during the show and answering a simple question.

Listeners can get in touch with the show either via www.facebook.com/buffetcart, www.twitter.com/buffetcart or via text on 07726591241. Often Producer Mary is manning the contact forums so be sure to say Hello and get your requests in early.

Anybody missing the show can always catch up later that evening at www.mixcloud.com/buffetcart and past shows will be there for weeks afterwards. Join us for the best music, chat and reviews of films that Terry will never go to see in our regular 'One To Maybe Miss' feature.

Tune in every Friday at 10am via www.redruth.fm.

The Problems with Dial Up

Connect

Dialling…

The server has been interrupted

By What?

Just interrupted. That’s all you need to know.

Redial

Dialling…

Verifying Username and Password (Final Stage)

Username and/or password is incorrect

It’s the same one I always use

You must have typed them incorrectly

But YOU saved them!

Just try again

Redial

Dialling…

Unable to connect

That’s a bit vague

It’s not me who wants to be connected

Ok then…

Redial

Dialling…

(5 Minutes later)

Dialling…

Are you dialling, or are you just saying that you are?

Patience, just wait a second

Dialling…

The server has timed out

I thought you said you were dialling!

When I said patience, I meant wait for the reason that I WASN’T dialling

This is getting ridiculous, you’ve done this a million times before

Why don’t you play cards or something?

I don’t pay a monthly fee for you to sit there and do nothing

RESTART COMPUTER

Noooo…please don’t do it, I may never come back…

Welcome Back

Don’t patronise me

Connect

Dialling…

That was a bit sad, begging me not to turn you off

I’m busy, can’t you see?

Dialling…

Unable to connect

You’ve already done that one

It’s for a different reason

What was the first reason?

I can’t tell you

And this one?

I can’t tell you that, either

Pathetic, you stupid thing

Redial

Dialling…

Error 23964 - This system will close immediately

WHAT???

Can’t you read?

Connect

Dialling…

What for? I’ve been here for half an hour and I haven’t seen a glimpse of the Internet

You’ve seen it before, haven’t you?

I only came on to check my email

You won’t have any

What’s it got to do with you?

Nothing

Dialling…

The server…

Don’t you dare tell me the server was interrupted

…cannot be found

Have you tried looking?

Of course, did you dial the right number?

YOU tell ME, there’s no number on the screen! I trust you to dial the right number!

How long have you known me to trust me like that?

LONG ENOUGH. 

Redial

Dialling…

The Port is open

I’m almost excited that you’re showing me a new message, but I can’t help thinking that it’s a bad one

Why would you think that?

Because all of your messages are bad

Oooooh, you cheeky…

It is, though, isn’t it?

Yes

What does it mean?

It means that I’m already trying to dial

Did I tell you to?

You didn’t tell me not to. Plus it’s the only way to get online.

Why didn’t you tell me you were already dialling? Forget it, I doubt I even want to know. Have you finished yet?

Yes

Redial

Dialling…

This service has not been able to connect. If the problem persists, please ring technical support on 0906 800 0000

The problem has been persisting for a very long time, yet I have not once been told to ring technical support

I don’t think they can fix user problems

Define ‘user problems’…

It’s simple – you’re the user, and that’s the problem

I also happen to be your master

Oh holy one, will I be considered for eternal life?

Don’t start with me, I’m at the end of my tether because of your inability to do one simple job

Redial

Dialling…

Verifying Username and Password

Why has the screen gone blank?

Er, hang on. I’m not sure. Just sorting the…

YOU’RE NOT SURE?

Hang on

Why does that surprise me? I shouldn’t be surprised

I said one minute! Stop clicking things!

Fine, fine, whatever you say

Try it again a minute

Redial

Dialling…

Seems to have done the job

What job?

The job of sorting out whatever was wrong a second ago

Your problem, then

How do you know it was me?

It’s always you

Dialling…

It’s done it again! I don’t believe it!

It’s fine. I know what it is now

But you can’t tell me, right?

Right. This should be it now

Redial

Dialling…

You’d better be

Can’t you hear the tones? Bleeeeep bleep bleep

You’re whistling them, aren’t you? There is no tone. You’re just keeping me here

Don’t flatter yourself

Dialling…

Bleeeeeep, bleeeeeeeeep

Verifying Username and Password

You’d better have got it right

You typed it

No I didn’t – The one I typed got me on to the Internet last time. It’s you that’s messed it up this time

Still verifying…

Get a move on

*YOU ARE CONNECTED*

About time too

Loading page…

This program has performed an illegal operation and will close immediately.

A what?

It says illegal. Would you like me to spell it phonetically?

What has it done, robbed a bank?

Oh har har. I haven’t heard that one before. Anyway you’re still connected, just open the page again.

Open page

Dialling…

(Computer ‘falls’ out of upstairs window)

Conversations With My Paintbrush

I've been writing a lot of dialogue recently for plays etc. and, as such, it has led me to have a million conversations in my head with objects that are within my proximity. Here's one from this morning that occurred while I was painting the underside of my Mini bonnet.

Me: I guess you're lucky this morning.

Paintbrush: Why's that?

Me: You get to paint with Hammerite.

Paintbrush: Why does that make me lucky?

Me: Being associated with such a good brand. We're essentially bullet-proofing this metal.

Paintbrush: I see what you're saying...

Me: Glad you agree.

Paintbrush: I didn't say I agreed.

Me: Oh?

Paintbrush: It's a privilege to be using such a good material, but think of it from my point of view.

Me: I've got plenty of thinners, it'll come out of your hair.

Paintbrush: I'm not worried about that, if anything hardened paint makes my hair look stylish.

Me: Right.

Paintbrush: It's the finished product, the bit that everyone looks at. They will either say one of two things.

Me: Such as..?

Paintbrush: They'll either say it looks really good, which they'll attribute to the Hammerite, or they'll say there are loads of runs and it looks rubbish which they'll attribute to you. Either way, good or bad, they won't mention me.

Me: It's a good point. Would you like me to name check you if people say what a good job we've done?

Paintbrush: Name check? Have you named me?

Me: Not really, but I could say, "Brushy and I did a good job".

Paintbrush: I'd rather not be mentioned than have a ridiculous name like 'Brushy'.

Me: OK, sorry. What would you rather be called?

Paintbrush: Forget it, it's not a big deal.

*Awkward silence*

Paintbrush: Your paint's started to run.

Avengers Assemble - A Review

This is a review of the new* film, "Avengers Assemble", which has Robert Downey Junior in it somewhere. The film itself is one I won't be going to see because, as I understand, it is a collection of comic heroes from other films all brought together to form one new film and I've never had the desire to watch any of the other films so it's likely I won't have much interest in this one either.

 After filming the actors were probably tired, meaning the acting is possibly edited to remove the tiredness of the previous day's filming from the faces of those given primary roles. The action sequences, having been produced and collated in 2012, most probably have a lot of effects and I find that sometimes, while these effects are outstanding, they also take a lot away from the film and wow the audience into thinking the film doesn't need a plot. I prefer those films where people stand around talking for ages and then something happens and they all go "Wipe out. I didn't expect that." with absolutely no effects at all.

 Even with the addition of 3D, which is a concept meaning essentially the characters are just made bigger to make it seem like they're closer (Think 'Father Ted') I don't think I could be enticed to watch a load of characters from other films I haven't seen come together and save the world from an evil presence that could have taken it's chance when they were all separate, insinuating it would have been easier to deal with. I would suggest going to see this film if you want to as I can give you no real insight, however like all reviews this is my opinion and therefore not something you should consider before going to see something. If you like it you'll know fairly soon into the film and if you don't like comic action films then chances are this won't float your boat and you should have thought about that before your mate said he had tickets and you might as well go because you never go out any more due to 'the incident' and you thought perhaps he was right. 

(*'new' refers to right now, when I am writing this post. If you come across it in 2026 and think 'this isn't new, what's he talking about? That film is beyond ancient' then it's because effectively you're from the future.)

New Blog

This year I'm writing a new blog. It concerns the fact that special occasions occur so often and are so close together that they cease to seem special any more and also suggests how much could be saved by ignoring certain occasions.

It's currently showing here: http://anotherspecialoccasion.blogspot.co.uk/

It may appear in book form next year, however you can get it now for free.

Banned

February the 14th is probably in your diaries as a date for cuddling up and getting involved with your other half or, at least, checking on them with your binoculars if you haven't yet been formally introduced.

Mark your diary again for the release of my debut novel, Banned. Here's the back cover to tell you what it's about. We're also relaunching www.lyvit.com that day, so make that your first stop for eBook or print copies.

"Pints. Lines. Fans. Lights. Gigs. Knives. Sex. Fights.

Not for the easily offended, this story offers no escape to an idyllic place or any insight into the life of those in the limelight.

Welcome to the world of Heroine of the Speed Machine, a band born of nothing that always looked towards the stars. This is one member's account of life on the road and in the studio as they battle between making the music and taking the substances. All the glamour of celebrity is stripped away in this raw account of sleeping rough, staying on top and scoring as often as possible."

Lame To Fame

A few years ago a small publication named Viz (www.viz.co.uk) ran a regular feature called 'Lame to Fame', where readers would write in and suggest ever more extravagant links to celebrities. "I once had a drink with a bloke who had caught Duran Duran's Simon Le Bon's dog after it had escaped from his big house" - that sort of thing.

I thought about my various lames to fame recently as I was working in a department that boasts Formula 1 driver Paul Di Resta's cousin as an employee. I even saw her briefly. She ignored me as I was playing 'guy in overalls' in my own life, but that's irrelevant.

I have two that really stand out. I was once close enough to Martin Clunes on St Michael's Mount causeway to push him in (He wasn't looking very happy so that would have REALLY made his day) and my sister's partner went to school with Muse, listening to them in their garage before they were famous.

Hopefully this clears up why I seem offish and unfriendly whenever people speak to me. I'm practically royalty.

The Road To Heaven

Verrily, I was hit by the Town and Country bus serving our local area. Before the paramedics could arrive I was summoned to His Kingdom in the sky, where I was greeted by our Lord.

"Name?" Spake He, in bounding tones.

"Terry" Spake I, after which I quoted my staff number.

"Verrily, you are individuals in the Kingdom of Heaven, not merely seen as numbers" Advised our Lord, before he rolleth his eyes.

"Am I to be taken in?" Enquired I with much concern.

"Pardon?" Spake our Lord, genuinely requesting my repeating of the question.

"Have I done thy deeds worthy of an entrance to your pad?" Paraphrased I with increasing anticipation.

"Please furnish me with said deeds, humble follower" replied Our Lord, leading me on but a little for he had heard this much before.

"That stuff in the Bible, don't do stuff and stuff" stumbled I, trying to recall the few stories I had entrusted to memory as a child. "Don't kill and maim and that" I continued.

"Stop, my child" laughed The Big Man, knowing that I was as naive as he perceived me humble, naive being a polite way of him thinking me stupid.

Then it hit me harder than the original transport facility; I had become wealthy due to my unfortunate purchase of a lottery ticket.

"Does it not say" I pressed, "That it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make his way into Heaven?"

The Lord squinted unto my face. "Say again?"

"In the Bible..." I continued, his face finally showing some recognition.

"Ah, that again" spake Dad, Son and Holy Buttered Toast. "It's open to interpretation. Does it not say in that same text that fish must be dined upon each Friday?"

"I'll be honest" replied I, "I hadn't got to that part yet."

"For what reason should I ask you all to dine upon fish every Friday? It makes as much sense as telling you to put your rubbish out on a Wednesday" chuckled The Almighty.

"Yay, the binmen come only on a Wednesday" Retorted I, wondering if he would put a slap across my face for such a suggestion.

"That makes sense" He said unto me, making a note in his binder.

Alas, my conversation with the Lord was brought to an end by the paramedics, keen as they were to add another notch on their proverbial bedposts.

"That's put another notch on our bedposts" Suggested they, looking uncomfortably towards each other before encompassing the silence having missed the essential detail of 'proverbial'. I was alive once more.

Verrily my questions on gaining entrance to Heaven on High remain unanswered, though I will be interpreting the Holy Text a little differently from now on.

Why eBook writers should endure the financial pain of a first print run

I'm no expert when it comes to books and writing. I went to University of course, but it was for two days and I was there to take part in a football tournament. I fell into writing and have been there ever since, enjoying the freedom of self publishing but remembering to get the critical feedback before producing anything. As it is, I now publish four other writers' work as well as my own. It keeps me busy.

I have been forced to look at the issue of print vs. eBooks as I continue in my publishing journey, keeping up to date to ensure the books I am responsible for still have an audience and that potential readers can be made aware of what we offer. I have therefore ventured in to the world of eBooks in that I have (to date) made three of my print books available through Amazon's Kindle.

When I first started writing this wasn't an option. It was 2005, lemonade was abundant and the sky was still very much blue at times. To get a book printed writers had two main options - find a publisher or self publish. The former was tough, took a long time and only seemed available to those who wrote full time or had a background of writing. That's not true for every individual author, however as a blanket statement I think I'm safe to say it. Self publishing, when done correctly, was and remains fairly expensive. It is this option that is important when considering indie authors and publishing.

When an option is available and expensive to a point that it's just within reach it forces the consumer to take their time over a decision. Nobody stumps up a large sum of cash on a whim when they know they can't go back and select a better option, a nicer colour, the one with different accessories. The same goes for books. No published book can be rearranged easily, particularly if you can only afford a small run and are taking a chance on your work. This means all doubts must be settled before the book goes to print, the cover must be perfect, the content must be studied for mistakes, the story must not feature a weird aunt who pops up for no reason. Time is taken, feedback is sought and everything is finalised before the files go off to become print.

With an eBook these details can be ignored. Sure, when a book is published it is forever. It's done. What happens when an eBook author receives the feedback that one of their paragraphs doesn't make sense, though? It is simpe to review the work, remove it from the internet and upload a new version. Bang. Nobody really notices unless the book has sold thousands of copies beforehand. This ease of editing, combined with the fact that nobody has parted with any money, makes the whole process more hideous than poor self publishing and vanity publishing combined.

It may settle down to a point where writers realise their efforts are flooding the market and putting readers off anything that is independently published, thereby negating any work they've put in anyway. However we are currently stuck with a mass of diluted story telling from writers that think editing is something done by newspapers, and I should know. I've seen hundreds of them. This morning.

Lyvit T-Shirts

Lyvit clothing is now available.

T-Shirts £15
Hoodies £30
Kids T-Shirts from £12
(Stickers £1.51)

http://www.redbubble.com/people/lyvit/shop/t-shirts

Lyvit Artwork @ RedBubble

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  Sunset Over Big Ben
  
  


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  Love-A-Duck
  
  


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  Rock Face At Rinsey
  
  


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  Mushroom Spotlight
  
  


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  Welsh Apple
  
  


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  Bissoe Marsh
  
  


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  Rinsey Rocks
  
  


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  Footprint In …
  
  


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  Mining Monument
  
  


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  Fuck Is Not A…
  
  


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  Bissoe In Summer
  
  


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  Beach Sunset
  
  

Why I hate Sci Fi

I don't hate all Sci Fi, that would be mad. I do hate most of it, though. Here's why.

When facing a dilemma a person has a limited number of choices. With a rabid dog snarling on their path, running away or kicking the crap out of it are the only likely scenarios. There may be a broken bottle nearby or a hoodie with a samurai sword he's nicked but that's about it. There's a rabid dog, sort it out.

When it comes to Sci Fi there are endless possibilities. This is fantastic for writers and readers with amazing imaginations, however when I pick up a book or watch a film I tend to want a plausible conclusion - battered heads, broken legs, even a counselling session where the rabid dog realises the error of it's ways, apologises and takes the time to contact anybody it may have upset over the years.

An infinite number of improbable weapons or situations such as time travel have never appealed to me as, at the time of going to press, it could never happen. I've dreamed of what I might do if I could travel back in time, leaving the images firmly in my head. I don't want to deny anybody their right to the sublime, it's more that my subconscious can't detach itself from real life. I have a long writing career ahead of me if all goes well and I'm sure I will run out of probable scenarios, but when I do make sure I haven't fallen into another world in another dimension.

My feet should remain firmly on the ground at all times.

Kama Slumber Q&A

I have been asked to do a Kama Slumber Q&A, so here it is as it was posted on Twitter. @Scott_Ruminates asks the questions. Here we go...

Q1. In 140 characters or less can you describe what Kama Slumber aims to provide the reader?

Kama Slumber is a tongue-in-cheek look at sleeping positions, not to be taken too seriously. It was written purely to raise a smile.

Q2. What qualities did you see in Helen to star in the book. Was one of them 'laziness'?

I'd seen a few stills of Helen and knew she would be great as a model. Her work is always very professional, which struck me.

Q3. For research purposes, did you trial the positions in bed for several weeks beforehand prior to producing the book?

The only reference I had for the positions was a stickman drawing of each drawn in a notebook. Any alterations were done on shoot day.

Q4. Did you use your own bed in the book?

The bed came from Freecycle about a month before it was needed. It went back on Freecycle the day after the shoot. (www.freecycle.org)

Q5. How long did the book Kama Slumber take to produce?

The photoshoot took about 1 1/2 hours as the light was perfect & we had the notebook as a guide. The writing took around a month or so.

Q6. Did Helen actually fall asleep at any point during the photoshoot?

I loaded Helen with coffee before the shoot to avoid that problem. Each position was shot in 1 take so there was no time to nap.

Q7. Al Murray & Robin Ince both gave Kama Slumber glowing reviews. Are you aware of any other celebrity readers?

I forced the book on Ewen Macintosh and rumour is rife that Gary Barlow stole a copy from a branch of Waterstones.

Q8. What time do you go to bed?

I try to get to bed at a sensible time as I work during the week, but sometimes when I’m writing it can be much later than expected.

Q9. Is Kama Slumber available as an audiobook?

I'm not sure if Kama Slumber would translate well as an audiobook but I will happily produce one on request should a reader need one.

Finally, Q10. Will we be seeing a follow-up to Kama Slumber ?

A follow up is unlikely as I believe the book works well on it's own but I would never rule it out. Anything could happen in the future.

I hope that gives you all a better insight into Kama Slumber. Thanks to @Scott_Ruminates for the questions. Buy your copy at www.lyvit.com or a copy for your Kindle at Amazon.

Follow me on Twitter - @Lyvit
Follow Scott on Twitter - @Scott_Ruminates
Follow Helen on Twitter - @TheDelovely
Follow Kama Slumber on Twitter - @KamaSlumber

Dark Dawns Bring Blood

Guest Blogger - Alya Bessex

During the early part of 2009 I had the idea to do a dark poetry book. I'd read quite a bit of poetry, including that of Terry Lander, and I liked the idea of including myself in the 'poet' category. I'd already written 'The Unaired Views Of A Twenty Four Year Old Nobody' and felt that a darker direction was needed.

I got in touch with Terry at Lyvit to see if he would be happy to publish it and, after a couple of days of debating, he agreed. I set to work putting it all together, deciding on a shorter book of just 100 pages as I wanted to make the content as powerful as possible without diluting it too much. This also meant readers shouldn't get bored while reading.

The problem I had was the title. I wanted something that screamed about the poems, ripping the reader away from other books and into mine. I knew that I wanted a demonic car on the front too, choosing Terry's Mini as they have such a cheeky charm that suggests an air of evil lurking in the background. Meep meep, I'm coming to kill you.

As I was finishing the last few poems a film was released with the title 'Drag Me To Hell' by Sam Raimi. It hit me immediately - the imagery of being dragged across a concrete floor until you're bleeding and screaming before plunging to the depths of a fiery afterlife really conjured up the image I was going for. I'm not a sadist, I just wanted a book that brings home the reality of the worst people roaming the planet. Finally, 'Dark Dawns Bring Blood' came to me. While everyone is still asleep, the scum of the earth roam to bring the red tides flowing. It was perfect.

I'm only writing about this now because I finally saw the film last night and have to say I really enjoyed it. The premise of a gypsy curse had been done before in Stephen King's 'Thinner', but the film didn't suffer any more for the repetition. The ending really caught my attention as the promise of the title came to life on screen. Drag me to hell. Done.

How presents get from parents to Santa

On the first day of December every year, "Jingle Bells" plays in the house of the Phwell for the first time. This is his call to wake up from the slumber that has engulfed him since the start of the new year and the sign that his work must begin. After a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee he prepares himself for a busy period.

In Santa's early days he had a team of elves to make toys and presents for the children of the world. However, since toy companies came to be, the elves found themselves having less and less work to do. The Phwell was one of these elves but, instead of complaining about the reducing workload, he set to work finding a solution. He spoke to Santa about a delivery service, where he would pick up the presents from parents and deliver them to Santa.

He has a whole month to visit the parents, picking up the gifts they have bought for their children and friends. However, parents now buy the gifts a year in advance, allowing the elves more time to wrap the gifts and label them ready for Santa's deliveries. This also provides a chance for them to help load the sleigh in time for Christmas Eve. The Phwell is also responsible for collecting reports from parents about whether children have been naughty or nice. These are updated right up until Christmas Eve and the gifts of naughty children are turned into cheeseboards for supermarkets.

Once the Phwell has collected all of the presents from parents and Santa has delivered the presents collected the previous year there is a big party at Claus HQ. Mrs Claus makes a giant buffet and there is punch for all of the guests. The Phwell always joins in with his fellow elves as they celebrate another successful year before his sleep begins again in January.

The changing face of social networking

When I proposed to my wife I was using the internet daily, particularly for email and research. I was not really aware of social networking, although I believe Friends Reunited was established by then. I would never have considered using the internet to propose to my wife or to tell people about our engagement; these are things best done in person.

I started using Friends Reunited shortly afterwards, although I don't think I ever got in touch with my old school friends. Once the novelty had worn off I was back to checking emails and logging off almost stright away. My first real experience of using social networking came with MySpace, which offered me a chance to do a little advertising for the books I had started to write and get in touch with people I'd never met before, some of whom I still keep in contact with now.

Like most of my friends I abandoned MySpace for Facebook, which seemed to offer little more in the way of communication and photo sharing. I wasn't a fan of the layout, but I knew that if I stayed with MySpace I'd never hear from my online friends again. I have stayed fairly faithful to Facebook, joining Twitter mainly as a way of getting word round about our ever growing website. Both sites, however, remained fairly superficial in that I would use them for throw away comments and a spot of advertising but never as a voice-over for my life.

Two comments recently have got me wondering about the future for the human race. The first was a marriage proposal; this seemed like a joke at first as, although I know the two people involved are in love, I'd never put a proposal online as it seems to cheapen the moment. The second was when two people had broken up and the conversation finished at "I'll know she's serious when she changes her relationship status to 'single'". What about the hours of screaming phonecalls and the very definite response of 'I want you out of my life'?

Perhaps it's a good thing that we can monitor our lives online, maybe it's even cool that everyone else can. However I will continue to live life outside the glow of the monitor as I believe deaths in families, proposals, relationship meltdowns and house fires are private and should remain that way - at least until the dust settles.

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Co-created monstrosity

Alya Bessex and I have continued work on our joint venture, which is a collection of odd ramblings and Alya's landmark case against Colgate. The toothpaste people.

Due to the collossal weirdness of the project we will be giving it away to loyal Lyvit customers, although it will also be available to other folk for the default price of £5.99.

More details to follow.