I've been writing a lot of dialogue recently for plays etc. and, as such, it has led me to have a million conversations in my head with objects that are within my proximity. Here's one from this morning that occurred while I was painting the underside of my Mini bonnet.
Me: I guess you're lucky this morning.
Paintbrush: Why's that?
Me: You get to paint with Hammerite.
Paintbrush: Why does that make me lucky?
Me: Being associated with such a good brand. We're essentially bullet-proofing this metal.
Paintbrush: I see what you're saying...
Me: Glad you agree.
Paintbrush: I didn't say I agreed.
Me: Oh?
Paintbrush: It's a privilege to be using such a good material, but think of it from my point of view.
Me: I've got plenty of thinners, it'll come out of your hair.
Paintbrush: I'm not worried about that, if anything hardened paint makes my hair look stylish.
Me: Right.
Paintbrush: It's the finished product, the bit that everyone looks at. They will either say one of two things.
Me: Such as..?
Paintbrush: They'll either say it looks really good, which they'll attribute to the Hammerite, or they'll say there are loads of runs and it looks rubbish which they'll attribute to you. Either way, good or bad, they won't mention me.
Me: It's a good point. Would you like me to name check you if people say what a good job we've done?
Paintbrush: Name check? Have you named me?
Me: Not really, but I could say, "Brushy and I did a good job".
Paintbrush: I'd rather not be mentioned than have a ridiculous name like 'Brushy'.
Me: OK, sorry. What would you rather be called?
Paintbrush: Forget it, it's not a big deal.
*Awkward silence*
Paintbrush: Your paint's started to run.
Sunday, 26 May 2013
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Avengers Assemble - A Review
This is a review of the new* film, "Avengers Assemble", which has Robert Downey Junior in it somewhere. The film itself is one I won't be going to see because, as I understand, it is a collection of comic heroes from other films all brought together to form one new film and I've never had the desire to watch any of the other films so it's likely I won't have much interest in this one either.
After filming the actors were probably tired, meaning the acting is possibly edited to remove the tiredness of the previous day's filming from the faces of those given primary roles. The action sequences, having been produced and collated in 2012, most probably have a lot of effects and I find that sometimes, while these effects are outstanding, they also take a lot away from the film and wow the audience into thinking the film doesn't need a plot. I prefer those films where people stand around talking for ages and then something happens and they all go "Wipe out. I didn't expect that." with absolutely no effects at all.
Even with the addition of 3D, which is a concept meaning essentially the characters are just made bigger to make it seem like they're closer (Think 'Father Ted') I don't think I could be enticed to watch a load of characters from other films I haven't seen come together and save the world from an evil presence that could have taken it's chance when they were all separate, insinuating it would have been easier to deal with. I would suggest going to see this film if you want to as I can give you no real insight, however like all reviews this is my opinion and therefore not something you should consider before going to see something. If you like it you'll know fairly soon into the film and if you don't like comic action films then chances are this won't float your boat and you should have thought about that before your mate said he had tickets and you might as well go because you never go out any more due to 'the incident' and you thought perhaps he was right.
(*'new' refers to right now, when I am writing this post. If you come across it in 2026 and think 'this isn't new, what's he talking about? That film is beyond ancient' then it's because effectively you're from the future.)
After filming the actors were probably tired, meaning the acting is possibly edited to remove the tiredness of the previous day's filming from the faces of those given primary roles. The action sequences, having been produced and collated in 2012, most probably have a lot of effects and I find that sometimes, while these effects are outstanding, they also take a lot away from the film and wow the audience into thinking the film doesn't need a plot. I prefer those films where people stand around talking for ages and then something happens and they all go "Wipe out. I didn't expect that." with absolutely no effects at all.
Even with the addition of 3D, which is a concept meaning essentially the characters are just made bigger to make it seem like they're closer (Think 'Father Ted') I don't think I could be enticed to watch a load of characters from other films I haven't seen come together and save the world from an evil presence that could have taken it's chance when they were all separate, insinuating it would have been easier to deal with. I would suggest going to see this film if you want to as I can give you no real insight, however like all reviews this is my opinion and therefore not something you should consider before going to see something. If you like it you'll know fairly soon into the film and if you don't like comic action films then chances are this won't float your boat and you should have thought about that before your mate said he had tickets and you might as well go because you never go out any more due to 'the incident' and you thought perhaps he was right.
(*'new' refers to right now, when I am writing this post. If you come across it in 2026 and think 'this isn't new, what's he talking about? That film is beyond ancient' then it's because effectively you're from the future.)
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
New Blog
This year I'm writing a new blog. It concerns the fact that special occasions occur so often and are so close together that they cease to seem special any more and also suggests how much could be saved by ignoring certain occasions.
It's currently showing here: http://anotherspecialoccasion.blogspot.co.uk/
It may appear in book form next year, however you can get it now for free.
It's currently showing here: http://anotherspecialoccasion.blogspot.co.uk/
It may appear in book form next year, however you can get it now for free.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Banned
February the 14th is probably in your diaries as a date for cuddling up and getting involved with your other half or, at least, checking on them with your binoculars if you haven't yet been formally introduced.
Mark your diary again for the release of my debut novel, Banned. Here's the back cover to tell you what it's about. We're also relaunching www.lyvit.com that day, so make that your first stop for eBook or print copies.
"Pints. Lines. Fans. Lights. Gigs. Knives. Sex. Fights.
Not for the easily offended, this story offers no escape to an idyllic place or any insight into the life of those in the limelight.
Welcome to the world of Heroine of the Speed Machine, a band born of nothing that always looked towards the stars. This is one member's account of life on the road and in the studio as they battle between making the music and taking the substances. All the glamour of celebrity is stripped away in this raw account of sleeping rough, staying on top and scoring as often as possible."
Mark your diary again for the release of my debut novel, Banned. Here's the back cover to tell you what it's about. We're also relaunching www.lyvit.com that day, so make that your first stop for eBook or print copies.
"Pints. Lines. Fans. Lights. Gigs. Knives. Sex. Fights.
Not for the easily offended, this story offers no escape to an idyllic place or any insight into the life of those in the limelight.
Welcome to the world of Heroine of the Speed Machine, a band born of nothing that always looked towards the stars. This is one member's account of life on the road and in the studio as they battle between making the music and taking the substances. All the glamour of celebrity is stripped away in this raw account of sleeping rough, staying on top and scoring as often as possible."
Friday, 13 January 2012
Lame To Fame
A few years ago a small publication named Viz (www.viz.co.uk) ran a regular feature called 'Lame to Fame', where readers would write in and suggest ever more extravagant links to celebrities. "I once had a drink with a bloke who had caught Duran Duran's Simon Le Bon's dog after it had escaped from his big house" - that sort of thing.
I thought about my various lames to fame recently as I was working in a department that boasts Formula 1 driver Paul Di Resta's cousin as an employee. I even saw her briefly. She ignored me as I was playing 'guy in overalls' in my own life, but that's irrelevant.
I have two that really stand out. I was once close enough to Martin Clunes on St Michael's Mount causeway to push him in (He wasn't looking very happy so that would have REALLY made his day) and my sister's partner went to school with Muse, listening to them in their garage before they were famous.
Hopefully this clears up why I seem offish and unfriendly whenever people speak to me. I'm practically royalty.
I thought about my various lames to fame recently as I was working in a department that boasts Formula 1 driver Paul Di Resta's cousin as an employee. I even saw her briefly. She ignored me as I was playing 'guy in overalls' in my own life, but that's irrelevant.
I have two that really stand out. I was once close enough to Martin Clunes on St Michael's Mount causeway to push him in (He wasn't looking very happy so that would have REALLY made his day) and my sister's partner went to school with Muse, listening to them in their garage before they were famous.
Hopefully this clears up why I seem offish and unfriendly whenever people speak to me. I'm practically royalty.
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
The Road To Heaven
Verrily, I was hit by the Town and Country bus serving our local area. Before the paramedics could arrive I was summoned to His Kingdom in the sky, where I was greeted by our Lord.
"Name?" Spake He, in bounding tones.
"Terry" Spake I, after which I quoted my staff number.
"Verrily, you are individuals in the Kingdom of Heaven, not merely seen as numbers" Advised our Lord, before he rolleth his eyes.
"Am I to be taken in?" Enquired I with much concern.
"Pardon?" Spake our Lord, genuinely requesting my repeating of the question.
"Have I done thy deeds worthy of an entrance to your pad?" Paraphrased I with increasing anticipation.
"Please furnish me with said deeds, humble follower" replied Our Lord, leading me on but a little for he had heard this much before.
"That stuff in the Bible, don't do stuff and stuff" stumbled I, trying to recall the few stories I had entrusted to memory as a child. "Don't kill and maim and that" I continued.
"Stop, my child" laughed The Big Man, knowing that I was as naive as he perceived me humble, naive being a polite way of him thinking me stupid.
Then it hit me harder than the original transport facility; I had become wealthy due to my unfortunate purchase of a lottery ticket.
"Does it not say" I pressed, "That it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make his way into Heaven?"
The Lord squinted unto my face. "Say again?"
"In the Bible..." I continued, his face finally showing some recognition.
"Ah, that again" spake Dad, Son and Holy Buttered Toast. "It's open to interpretation. Does it not say in that same text that fish must be dined upon each Friday?"
"I'll be honest" replied I, "I hadn't got to that part yet."
"For what reason should I ask you all to dine upon fish every Friday? It makes as much sense as telling you to put your rubbish out on a Wednesday" chuckled The Almighty.
"Yay, the binmen come only on a Wednesday" Retorted I, wondering if he would put a slap across my face for such a suggestion.
"That makes sense" He said unto me, making a note in his binder.
Alas, my conversation with the Lord was brought to an end by the paramedics, keen as they were to add another notch on their proverbial bedposts.
"That's put another notch on our bedposts" Suggested they, looking uncomfortably towards each other before encompassing the silence having missed the essential detail of 'proverbial'. I was alive once more.
Verrily my questions on gaining entrance to Heaven on High remain unanswered, though I will be interpreting the Holy Text a little differently from now on.
"Name?" Spake He, in bounding tones.
"Terry" Spake I, after which I quoted my staff number.
"Verrily, you are individuals in the Kingdom of Heaven, not merely seen as numbers" Advised our Lord, before he rolleth his eyes.
"Am I to be taken in?" Enquired I with much concern.
"Pardon?" Spake our Lord, genuinely requesting my repeating of the question.
"Have I done thy deeds worthy of an entrance to your pad?" Paraphrased I with increasing anticipation.
"Please furnish me with said deeds, humble follower" replied Our Lord, leading me on but a little for he had heard this much before.
"That stuff in the Bible, don't do stuff and stuff" stumbled I, trying to recall the few stories I had entrusted to memory as a child. "Don't kill and maim and that" I continued.
"Stop, my child" laughed The Big Man, knowing that I was as naive as he perceived me humble, naive being a polite way of him thinking me stupid.
Then it hit me harder than the original transport facility; I had become wealthy due to my unfortunate purchase of a lottery ticket.
"Does it not say" I pressed, "That it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make his way into Heaven?"
The Lord squinted unto my face. "Say again?"
"In the Bible..." I continued, his face finally showing some recognition.
"Ah, that again" spake Dad, Son and Holy Buttered Toast. "It's open to interpretation. Does it not say in that same text that fish must be dined upon each Friday?"
"I'll be honest" replied I, "I hadn't got to that part yet."
"For what reason should I ask you all to dine upon fish every Friday? It makes as much sense as telling you to put your rubbish out on a Wednesday" chuckled The Almighty.
"Yay, the binmen come only on a Wednesday" Retorted I, wondering if he would put a slap across my face for such a suggestion.
"That makes sense" He said unto me, making a note in his binder.
Alas, my conversation with the Lord was brought to an end by the paramedics, keen as they were to add another notch on their proverbial bedposts.
"That's put another notch on our bedposts" Suggested they, looking uncomfortably towards each other before encompassing the silence having missed the essential detail of 'proverbial'. I was alive once more.
Verrily my questions on gaining entrance to Heaven on High remain unanswered, though I will be interpreting the Holy Text a little differently from now on.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Why eBook writers should endure the financial pain of a first print run
I'm no expert when it comes to books and writing. I went to University of course, but it was for two days and I was there to take part in a football tournament. I fell into writing and have been there ever since, enjoying the freedom of self publishing but remembering to get the critical feedback before producing anything. As it is, I now publish four other writers' work as well as my own. It keeps me busy.
I have been forced to look at the issue of print vs. eBooks as I continue in my publishing journey, keeping up to date to ensure the books I am responsible for still have an audience and that potential readers can be made aware of what we offer. I have therefore ventured in to the world of eBooks in that I have (to date) made three of my print books available through Amazon's Kindle.
When I first started writing this wasn't an option. It was 2005, lemonade was abundant and the sky was still very much blue at times. To get a book printed writers had two main options - find a publisher or self publish. The former was tough, took a long time and only seemed available to those who wrote full time or had a background of writing. That's not true for every individual author, however as a blanket statement I think I'm safe to say it. Self publishing, when done correctly, was and remains fairly expensive. It is this option that is important when considering indie authors and publishing.
When an option is available and expensive to a point that it's just within reach it forces the consumer to take their time over a decision. Nobody stumps up a large sum of cash on a whim when they know they can't go back and select a better option, a nicer colour, the one with different accessories. The same goes for books. No published book can be rearranged easily, particularly if you can only afford a small run and are taking a chance on your work. This means all doubts must be settled before the book goes to print, the cover must be perfect, the content must be studied for mistakes, the story must not feature a weird aunt who pops up for no reason. Time is taken, feedback is sought and everything is finalised before the files go off to become print.
With an eBook these details can be ignored. Sure, when a book is published it is forever. It's done. What happens when an eBook author receives the feedback that one of their paragraphs doesn't make sense, though? It is simpe to review the work, remove it from the internet and upload a new version. Bang. Nobody really notices unless the book has sold thousands of copies beforehand. This ease of editing, combined with the fact that nobody has parted with any money, makes the whole process more hideous than poor self publishing and vanity publishing combined.
It may settle down to a point where writers realise their efforts are flooding the market and putting readers off anything that is independently published, thereby negating any work they've put in anyway. However we are currently stuck with a mass of diluted story telling from writers that think editing is something done by newspapers, and I should know. I've seen hundreds of them. This morning.
I have been forced to look at the issue of print vs. eBooks as I continue in my publishing journey, keeping up to date to ensure the books I am responsible for still have an audience and that potential readers can be made aware of what we offer. I have therefore ventured in to the world of eBooks in that I have (to date) made three of my print books available through Amazon's Kindle.
When I first started writing this wasn't an option. It was 2005, lemonade was abundant and the sky was still very much blue at times. To get a book printed writers had two main options - find a publisher or self publish. The former was tough, took a long time and only seemed available to those who wrote full time or had a background of writing. That's not true for every individual author, however as a blanket statement I think I'm safe to say it. Self publishing, when done correctly, was and remains fairly expensive. It is this option that is important when considering indie authors and publishing.
When an option is available and expensive to a point that it's just within reach it forces the consumer to take their time over a decision. Nobody stumps up a large sum of cash on a whim when they know they can't go back and select a better option, a nicer colour, the one with different accessories. The same goes for books. No published book can be rearranged easily, particularly if you can only afford a small run and are taking a chance on your work. This means all doubts must be settled before the book goes to print, the cover must be perfect, the content must be studied for mistakes, the story must not feature a weird aunt who pops up for no reason. Time is taken, feedback is sought and everything is finalised before the files go off to become print.
With an eBook these details can be ignored. Sure, when a book is published it is forever. It's done. What happens when an eBook author receives the feedback that one of their paragraphs doesn't make sense, though? It is simpe to review the work, remove it from the internet and upload a new version. Bang. Nobody really notices unless the book has sold thousands of copies beforehand. This ease of editing, combined with the fact that nobody has parted with any money, makes the whole process more hideous than poor self publishing and vanity publishing combined.
It may settle down to a point where writers realise their efforts are flooding the market and putting readers off anything that is independently published, thereby negating any work they've put in anyway. However we are currently stuck with a mass of diluted story telling from writers that think editing is something done by newspapers, and I should know. I've seen hundreds of them. This morning.
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