Work has started on my next book, which will be a collaboration with Alya Bessex. It will contain his infamous Facebook campaign, "Alya Vs. Colgate", as well as a number of articles, stories and illustrations randomly put together by the two of us.
Due to be released in 2011, it will be like nothing we have ever written before. This is not a project to showcase our writing or to fit into a cetain criteria; it's a book we're enjoying putting together and having some fun with. This will not be an award winner or a magnet for critical acclaim - in fact, we're not even expecting good reviews.
Still, there's nothing quite like writing for the fun of it. Release dates will be confirmed at www.lyvit.com nearer the time.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Rain in Spain unlikely to fall on planes
Spanish scientists are developing a new ionising technique to ensure that planes repel rainwater.
Many speech therapists have long considered the phrase “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane” to be useful in the improvement of their patients. However, over time, many have started to believe that this means planes flying into Spanish airspace will suffer a drenching. Some have even taken the unusual action of flying to Portugal and hitchhiking to their Spanish holidays, meaning Spanish airports are losing out on lucrative descending, levelling and landing taxes.
Fortunately a number of Spanish scientists were tipped off by a group from Bristol. Known collectively as the Committee for Understanding of No Travel in Spain, these easily led holiday makers have believed the myth for years. “We set up a group on a popular social networking site to spread the word of the possible need for an umbrella when disembarking at Spanish airports. One of the group, Frankie, has witnessed it first hand. However, we have been reassured by the scientists who have convinced us that Frankie’s experience could have been a coincidence.”
To dispel the myth could take a long time; with this in mind, the scientists are working around the clock on an ionisation technique that would encourage rain to travel around the body and wings of aircraft, giving visual relief to thousands of fliers. “If people can watch the rain literally avoiding the aircraft, I’m sure they’d be relieved. This could help as they leave the craft too, as the rain would be forced away from the open door.”
The news has been welcomed by travellers the world over, though flights to Spain are unlikely to rise until the system is in place. “We trust that it can happen”, says Gill Rope of Taunton. “We just won’t be using Spanish airports until it’s tried and tested”. Despite this, scientists are unconcerned about the effectiveness of the system despite what it will mean for the Spanish economy. Professor Robot Wilson, head of ionisation and rehydrating small mammals, explains. “If it doesn’t work, we’ll just lie” he told us in complete confidence. “It half looks like the rain is repelled when it bounces off the wings anyway. We’ll just tell people that it’s due to the technique and that our work is done.
“This is guaranteed to be a 100% success.” He added, before chuckling and throwing his head back manically.
Many speech therapists have long considered the phrase “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane” to be useful in the improvement of their patients. However, over time, many have started to believe that this means planes flying into Spanish airspace will suffer a drenching. Some have even taken the unusual action of flying to Portugal and hitchhiking to their Spanish holidays, meaning Spanish airports are losing out on lucrative descending, levelling and landing taxes.
Fortunately a number of Spanish scientists were tipped off by a group from Bristol. Known collectively as the Committee for Understanding of No Travel in Spain, these easily led holiday makers have believed the myth for years. “We set up a group on a popular social networking site to spread the word of the possible need for an umbrella when disembarking at Spanish airports. One of the group, Frankie, has witnessed it first hand. However, we have been reassured by the scientists who have convinced us that Frankie’s experience could have been a coincidence.”
To dispel the myth could take a long time; with this in mind, the scientists are working around the clock on an ionisation technique that would encourage rain to travel around the body and wings of aircraft, giving visual relief to thousands of fliers. “If people can watch the rain literally avoiding the aircraft, I’m sure they’d be relieved. This could help as they leave the craft too, as the rain would be forced away from the open door.”
The news has been welcomed by travellers the world over, though flights to Spain are unlikely to rise until the system is in place. “We trust that it can happen”, says Gill Rope of Taunton. “We just won’t be using Spanish airports until it’s tried and tested”. Despite this, scientists are unconcerned about the effectiveness of the system despite what it will mean for the Spanish economy. Professor Robot Wilson, head of ionisation and rehydrating small mammals, explains. “If it doesn’t work, we’ll just lie” he told us in complete confidence. “It half looks like the rain is repelled when it bounces off the wings anyway. We’ll just tell people that it’s due to the technique and that our work is done.
“This is guaranteed to be a 100% success.” He added, before chuckling and throwing his head back manically.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Review: "To Say Goodbye"
To Say Goodbye
Terry Lander (Lyvit Publishing)
You are not really ever prepared for this book. It is told from the point of view of a father who is writing to his three year old daughter, knowing he is dying from a brain tumour and will not see her grow up.
The first thing to mention is that although we are made aware that this in diary format from the start, the way it is written immediately forces us to accept the reality of the situation. We are both the father, tenderly talking to his daughter - but also we read as the daughter one day will, there is a real sense of empathy and fragility. Too often, books in this style suffer from gimmickry, or at the very least simply become a collection of pithy blog style musings. The clever part here – by leaving out the traditional constructs of story telling, as we read, our imaginations are given free reign, and their world is constructed with ease. There is no need for endless descriptive prose – the story builds around us as we delve further.
It is rare when adopting such a style that a book can evoke a world so fully. From the first page, we are thrown head first into a challenging and somewhat upsetting scenario. There is a child like naivety to the language that detracts from the sheer scale of the horror of cancer, and somewhat sugar coats it. This leaves some of the descriptions covered in a shroud of innocence, as if the darkness is bubbling under the surface. There is a tender sheath laid over a horrible truth, and it goes to create an odd mixture of calm and terror.
For all of these contradictions that so effectively reveal the story, one thing remains – the sheer beauty and conviction of the words on offer. It’s very British –very controlled, an almost serene dignity. There’s decorum here –it’s abundant. It has an edge though –the entries tell a girl of the things she did when she was younger, with which the character may have no memory of. There is oddness to reading a story about yourself with which you have no recollection, and this surreal state of mind permeates the page.
The tag line is “all they have is hope” and you feel this. Reading these words is like clutching onto hope, onto life. And that’s the ultimate extraction; this is joyous, full of hope -marking an end of a life but celebrating the start of another in the sweetest of ways – explaining the murky past to a damaged soul. It’s poignant and rather lovely in parts. Like distant symphonies, the space allows the reader to breathe, there’s much room to manoeuvre. The entries have a subtle grace about them; the book is filled with a vibrant compassion. It’s careful, yet in being this way, it spills over onto something altogether more encompassing.
Mark Hendy
"To Say Goodbye" is available from www.lyvit.com for £7.50
Terry Lander (Lyvit Publishing)
You are not really ever prepared for this book. It is told from the point of view of a father who is writing to his three year old daughter, knowing he is dying from a brain tumour and will not see her grow up.
The first thing to mention is that although we are made aware that this in diary format from the start, the way it is written immediately forces us to accept the reality of the situation. We are both the father, tenderly talking to his daughter - but also we read as the daughter one day will, there is a real sense of empathy and fragility. Too often, books in this style suffer from gimmickry, or at the very least simply become a collection of pithy blog style musings. The clever part here – by leaving out the traditional constructs of story telling, as we read, our imaginations are given free reign, and their world is constructed with ease. There is no need for endless descriptive prose – the story builds around us as we delve further.
It is rare when adopting such a style that a book can evoke a world so fully. From the first page, we are thrown head first into a challenging and somewhat upsetting scenario. There is a child like naivety to the language that detracts from the sheer scale of the horror of cancer, and somewhat sugar coats it. This leaves some of the descriptions covered in a shroud of innocence, as if the darkness is bubbling under the surface. There is a tender sheath laid over a horrible truth, and it goes to create an odd mixture of calm and terror.
For all of these contradictions that so effectively reveal the story, one thing remains – the sheer beauty and conviction of the words on offer. It’s very British –very controlled, an almost serene dignity. There’s decorum here –it’s abundant. It has an edge though –the entries tell a girl of the things she did when she was younger, with which the character may have no memory of. There is oddness to reading a story about yourself with which you have no recollection, and this surreal state of mind permeates the page.
The tag line is “all they have is hope” and you feel this. Reading these words is like clutching onto hope, onto life. And that’s the ultimate extraction; this is joyous, full of hope -marking an end of a life but celebrating the start of another in the sweetest of ways – explaining the murky past to a damaged soul. It’s poignant and rather lovely in parts. Like distant symphonies, the space allows the reader to breathe, there’s much room to manoeuvre. The entries have a subtle grace about them; the book is filled with a vibrant compassion. It’s careful, yet in being this way, it spills over onto something altogether more encompassing.
Mark Hendy
"To Say Goodbye" is available from www.lyvit.com for £7.50
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Toast not on the menu for Duran Duran fans
According to a reliable source, toast was nearly struck from the breakfast menu during the 1980’s.
Bread manufacturers noticed it. Toaster manufacturers noticed it. The rest of the country was completely oblivious. The decline in the amount of toast eaten in Britain was very sudden and affected many, leaving just continental croissants or a lonely cup of tea to start the day.
It seemed a coincidence that the trend started on the same day that Duran Duran’s debut single hit the shelves, yet the transition from crunchy table dweller to redundant possible bread product was so well timed and happened so quickly that it was impossible to cite it as such.
During a secret government study a German reporter, who has remained anonymous to this day, investigated the incident by interviewing Duran Duran fans and asking what made them turn away from the jam and marmalade holding meal. The results were astonishing.
Many suggested that toast’s complex make-up went against everything their music stood for. “It’s coarse, multi-textured and often comes out different every time it’s made” said a twenty year old follower of the band, suggesting that the music really did influence the fans in more ways than just their speech and attitude. “You can see from the crumbs that there is a multitude of bonds keeping it together, making it seem one piece when really it’s not. Toast is a lie, man”.
Other comments included toast’s natural ability to escape from your hand, most unlike the loyal feeling experienced with a Duran song. “The tune’s stick with you, follow you and understand where you’re coming from.” Said a thirty year old at the time. “Toast just jumps out of your hand and into the nearest pile dust and mud. There’s no connection with toast”.
The fate of toast was almost written in stone. Where once it stood tall, above the cereals and muesli that were offered beside it, toast was literally crumbling in the hands of the mighty. The teapot shrugged, the kettle looked away, a nation forgot it’s great friend. All it could do was sit in the rack and watch.
All was not lost, however. Although toast missed out on much of the decade, the 1990’s were to bring a new era to the breakfast table. One Oasis fan stated, “The 90’s are all about falling out, having arguments and saying ‘forget you’ to everybody. Toast really fits that agenda”. This was to be the saviour of toast, which is now enjoyed, along with family arguments and mutual hatred, across the globe. “Toast has seen a real revamp since people started hating each other”, explained scientist Fred Hughes. “There’s nothing quite like shouting abuse at each other before ripping a big piece of toast in half and jamming it in your mouth”.
It is thanks to this new found sense of indifference and inability to incorporate each other that toast has returned, even to Duran Duran fans.
Bread manufacturers noticed it. Toaster manufacturers noticed it. The rest of the country was completely oblivious. The decline in the amount of toast eaten in Britain was very sudden and affected many, leaving just continental croissants or a lonely cup of tea to start the day.
It seemed a coincidence that the trend started on the same day that Duran Duran’s debut single hit the shelves, yet the transition from crunchy table dweller to redundant possible bread product was so well timed and happened so quickly that it was impossible to cite it as such.
During a secret government study a German reporter, who has remained anonymous to this day, investigated the incident by interviewing Duran Duran fans and asking what made them turn away from the jam and marmalade holding meal. The results were astonishing.
Many suggested that toast’s complex make-up went against everything their music stood for. “It’s coarse, multi-textured and often comes out different every time it’s made” said a twenty year old follower of the band, suggesting that the music really did influence the fans in more ways than just their speech and attitude. “You can see from the crumbs that there is a multitude of bonds keeping it together, making it seem one piece when really it’s not. Toast is a lie, man”.
Other comments included toast’s natural ability to escape from your hand, most unlike the loyal feeling experienced with a Duran song. “The tune’s stick with you, follow you and understand where you’re coming from.” Said a thirty year old at the time. “Toast just jumps out of your hand and into the nearest pile dust and mud. There’s no connection with toast”.
The fate of toast was almost written in stone. Where once it stood tall, above the cereals and muesli that were offered beside it, toast was literally crumbling in the hands of the mighty. The teapot shrugged, the kettle looked away, a nation forgot it’s great friend. All it could do was sit in the rack and watch.
All was not lost, however. Although toast missed out on much of the decade, the 1990’s were to bring a new era to the breakfast table. One Oasis fan stated, “The 90’s are all about falling out, having arguments and saying ‘forget you’ to everybody. Toast really fits that agenda”. This was to be the saviour of toast, which is now enjoyed, along with family arguments and mutual hatred, across the globe. “Toast has seen a real revamp since people started hating each other”, explained scientist Fred Hughes. “There’s nothing quite like shouting abuse at each other before ripping a big piece of toast in half and jamming it in your mouth”.
It is thanks to this new found sense of indifference and inability to incorporate each other that toast has returned, even to Duran Duran fans.
Monday, 30 November 2009
"The X Factor" format hits publishing
I am here to remark on an atrocity witnessed by Mark Hendy, one of my authors, and myself today in Westfield shopping centre. We were there to promote our books discreetly to the bookshops that operate there and made it to the second floor before our attention was caught by a microphoned voice ringing around the downstairs area.
We looked over the balcony and were temporarily confused by what we saw. A comedian was stood on a stage made entirely of very large books and there were two large screens on each side of him vomiting 'inspirational' messages and ideas for the crowd, such as 'Will there be danger?'. An author was sat at the back with a laptop, smiling and tapping away, while people with official STAFF badges kept a fairly small crowd within speaking distance of the comedian. TV cameras were also there, belonging to the organisers rather than a network.
We listened to what was being said and phrases such as "You are the ones writing this book, they are your ideas and who knew that you could come shopping and leave the shopping centre as published authors!?" were being directed at the onlookers. Then it clicked - this was the publishing equivalent of the X Factor. The audience, looking a bit bewildered and starry eyed, gave spur of the moment suggestions about what a main character could get up to and, by the time we arrived, they seemed to have decided that he was at war. A young lad's suggestion of a baby being kidnapped was professionally swept under the carpet as the announcer excitedly mentioned that 'he loved the fact we are at war!'.
I had to speak to one of the official looking staff members to see what was really happening behind the glamour and mystery of publishing shoppers' ideas, so I armed myself with questions about the real facts and sought to find out who was behind it all.
I was told that the comedian was 'a comedian' and the author was called 'Alex, Something' and that it was designed to get people to be creative and was part of a worldwide promotion which had previously involved drumming. The burning question was then answered - this was a promotion by American Express. Wholly funded and produced by them, they had set out to 'tap into people's ideas and get them using their creativity'. Incidentally, there was also a sign warning that anything that was said or done at the event was the property of American Express and could be used, altered or manipulated in any way to be used however they pleased.
I left the event before they reconvened for the final chapter, absolutely furious that they had cheapened the idea of publishing and had promised to turn all of these lifeless publicity hungry shoppers into real writers. This has already happened with music (X Factor), Theatre (Joseph/Technicoloured dream coat), and Dancing (Strictly Come Dancing) and I had no idea it would ever impact me directly. I am completely aware of recording artists' struggles to get deserved publicity since the X Factor started and have been slightly disillusioned by the charts, particularly at Christmas when it used to be a massive surprise, and I always felt for those who won't make it when they clearly record fantastic songs.
The main reason for my trip to London was to promote my publishing company, which has taken five years to get to where it is now and is slowly starting to capture the imagination of the visitors to our website. We have walked for miles over three days, visiting countless shops and building relationships with them to try to sell copies of publications which, in themselves, take the best part of a year to produce after writing, re-writing, editing, proof reading, type setting...
To come across a massively wealthy Credit Card company stomping over all of our hard work by holding an event as tacky and worthless as this makes a lot of our work seem redundant. Yes, anyone can be a published author. Anyone can write a small section of a story and claim a small piece of a finished article, but being a published author isn't about that. It's about putting in the work, burning the candle at both ends, finding time to get your work perfect and then promoting it.
As we say at Lyvit, 'there are a billion unwritten books out there. There are a million that have been written, but not published.' Unfortunately it is the responsibility of the writer to get their story out there, not to cheapen it by combining some of their ideas with other peoples' and claiming they are now published writers.
Put your words down. Slog your guts out. Stay up late. Keep your notes with you. Believe in yourself. Prepare yourself for failure. Ultimately, though, convince yourself you can make it. Because you can.
We looked over the balcony and were temporarily confused by what we saw. A comedian was stood on a stage made entirely of very large books and there were two large screens on each side of him vomiting 'inspirational' messages and ideas for the crowd, such as 'Will there be danger?'. An author was sat at the back with a laptop, smiling and tapping away, while people with official STAFF badges kept a fairly small crowd within speaking distance of the comedian. TV cameras were also there, belonging to the organisers rather than a network.
We listened to what was being said and phrases such as "You are the ones writing this book, they are your ideas and who knew that you could come shopping and leave the shopping centre as published authors!?" were being directed at the onlookers. Then it clicked - this was the publishing equivalent of the X Factor. The audience, looking a bit bewildered and starry eyed, gave spur of the moment suggestions about what a main character could get up to and, by the time we arrived, they seemed to have decided that he was at war. A young lad's suggestion of a baby being kidnapped was professionally swept under the carpet as the announcer excitedly mentioned that 'he loved the fact we are at war!'.
I had to speak to one of the official looking staff members to see what was really happening behind the glamour and mystery of publishing shoppers' ideas, so I armed myself with questions about the real facts and sought to find out who was behind it all.
I was told that the comedian was 'a comedian' and the author was called 'Alex, Something' and that it was designed to get people to be creative and was part of a worldwide promotion which had previously involved drumming. The burning question was then answered - this was a promotion by American Express. Wholly funded and produced by them, they had set out to 'tap into people's ideas and get them using their creativity'. Incidentally, there was also a sign warning that anything that was said or done at the event was the property of American Express and could be used, altered or manipulated in any way to be used however they pleased.
I left the event before they reconvened for the final chapter, absolutely furious that they had cheapened the idea of publishing and had promised to turn all of these lifeless publicity hungry shoppers into real writers. This has already happened with music (X Factor), Theatre (Joseph/Technicoloured dream coat), and Dancing (Strictly Come Dancing) and I had no idea it would ever impact me directly. I am completely aware of recording artists' struggles to get deserved publicity since the X Factor started and have been slightly disillusioned by the charts, particularly at Christmas when it used to be a massive surprise, and I always felt for those who won't make it when they clearly record fantastic songs.
The main reason for my trip to London was to promote my publishing company, which has taken five years to get to where it is now and is slowly starting to capture the imagination of the visitors to our website. We have walked for miles over three days, visiting countless shops and building relationships with them to try to sell copies of publications which, in themselves, take the best part of a year to produce after writing, re-writing, editing, proof reading, type setting...
To come across a massively wealthy Credit Card company stomping over all of our hard work by holding an event as tacky and worthless as this makes a lot of our work seem redundant. Yes, anyone can be a published author. Anyone can write a small section of a story and claim a small piece of a finished article, but being a published author isn't about that. It's about putting in the work, burning the candle at both ends, finding time to get your work perfect and then promoting it.
As we say at Lyvit, 'there are a billion unwritten books out there. There are a million that have been written, but not published.' Unfortunately it is the responsibility of the writer to get their story out there, not to cheapen it by combining some of their ideas with other peoples' and claiming they are now published writers.
Put your words down. Slog your guts out. Stay up late. Keep your notes with you. Believe in yourself. Prepare yourself for failure. Ultimately, though, convince yourself you can make it. Because you can.
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