Saturday, 27 March 2010

Toast not on the menu for Duran Duran fans

According to a reliable source, toast was nearly struck from the breakfast menu during the 1980’s.

Bread manufacturers noticed it. Toaster manufacturers noticed it. The rest of the country was completely oblivious. The decline in the amount of toast eaten in Britain was very sudden and affected many, leaving just continental croissants or a lonely cup of tea to start the day.

It seemed a coincidence that the trend started on the same day that Duran Duran’s debut single hit the shelves, yet the transition from crunchy table dweller to redundant possible bread product was so well timed and happened so quickly that it was impossible to cite it as such.

During a secret government study a German reporter, who has remained anonymous to this day, investigated the incident by interviewing Duran Duran fans and asking what made them turn away from the jam and marmalade holding meal. The results were astonishing.

Many suggested that toast’s complex make-up went against everything their music stood for. “It’s coarse, multi-textured and often comes out different every time it’s made” said a twenty year old follower of the band, suggesting that the music really did influence the fans in more ways than just their speech and attitude. “You can see from the crumbs that there is a multitude of bonds keeping it together, making it seem one piece when really it’s not. Toast is a lie, man”.

Other comments included toast’s natural ability to escape from your hand, most unlike the loyal feeling experienced with a Duran song. “The tune’s stick with you, follow you and understand where you’re coming from.” Said a thirty year old at the time. “Toast just jumps out of your hand and into the nearest pile dust and mud. There’s no connection with toast”.

The fate of toast was almost written in stone. Where once it stood tall, above the cereals and muesli that were offered beside it, toast was literally crumbling in the hands of the mighty. The teapot shrugged, the kettle looked away, a nation forgot it’s great friend. All it could do was sit in the rack and watch.

All was not lost, however. Although toast missed out on much of the decade, the 1990’s were to bring a new era to the breakfast table. One Oasis fan stated, “The 90’s are all about falling out, having arguments and saying ‘forget you’ to everybody. Toast really fits that agenda”. This was to be the saviour of toast, which is now enjoyed, along with family arguments and mutual hatred, across the globe. “Toast has seen a real revamp since people started hating each other”, explained scientist Fred Hughes. “There’s nothing quite like shouting abuse at each other before ripping a big piece of toast in half and jamming it in your mouth”.

It is thanks to this new found sense of indifference and inability to incorporate each other that toast has returned, even to Duran Duran fans.