Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The Road To Heaven

Verrily, I was hit by the Town and Country bus serving our local area. Before the paramedics could arrive I was summoned to His Kingdom in the sky, where I was greeted by our Lord.

"Name?" Spake He, in bounding tones.

"Terry" Spake I, after which I quoted my staff number.

"Verrily, you are individuals in the Kingdom of Heaven, not merely seen as numbers" Advised our Lord, before he rolleth his eyes.

"Am I to be taken in?" Enquired I with much concern.

"Pardon?" Spake our Lord, genuinely requesting my repeating of the question.

"Have I done thy deeds worthy of an entrance to your pad?" Paraphrased I with increasing anticipation.

"Please furnish me with said deeds, humble follower" replied Our Lord, leading me on but a little for he had heard this much before.

"That stuff in the Bible, don't do stuff and stuff" stumbled I, trying to recall the few stories I had entrusted to memory as a child. "Don't kill and maim and that" I continued.

"Stop, my child" laughed The Big Man, knowing that I was as naive as he perceived me humble, naive being a polite way of him thinking me stupid.

Then it hit me harder than the original transport facility; I had become wealthy due to my unfortunate purchase of a lottery ticket.

"Does it not say" I pressed, "That it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make his way into Heaven?"

The Lord squinted unto my face. "Say again?"

"In the Bible..." I continued, his face finally showing some recognition.

"Ah, that again" spake Dad, Son and Holy Buttered Toast. "It's open to interpretation. Does it not say in that same text that fish must be dined upon each Friday?"

"I'll be honest" replied I, "I hadn't got to that part yet."

"For what reason should I ask you all to dine upon fish every Friday? It makes as much sense as telling you to put your rubbish out on a Wednesday" chuckled The Almighty.

"Yay, the binmen come only on a Wednesday" Retorted I, wondering if he would put a slap across my face for such a suggestion.

"That makes sense" He said unto me, making a note in his binder.

Alas, my conversation with the Lord was brought to an end by the paramedics, keen as they were to add another notch on their proverbial bedposts.

"That's put another notch on our bedposts" Suggested they, looking uncomfortably towards each other before encompassing the silence having missed the essential detail of 'proverbial'. I was alive once more.

Verrily my questions on gaining entrance to Heaven on High remain unanswered, though I will be interpreting the Holy Text a little differently from now on.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Why eBook writers should endure the financial pain of a first print run

I'm no expert when it comes to books and writing. I went to University of course, but it was for two days and I was there to take part in a football tournament. I fell into writing and have been there ever since, enjoying the freedom of self publishing but remembering to get the critical feedback before producing anything. As it is, I now publish four other writers' work as well as my own. It keeps me busy.

I have been forced to look at the issue of print vs. eBooks as I continue in my publishing journey, keeping up to date to ensure the books I am responsible for still have an audience and that potential readers can be made aware of what we offer. I have therefore ventured in to the world of eBooks in that I have (to date) made three of my print books available through Amazon's Kindle.

When I first started writing this wasn't an option. It was 2005, lemonade was abundant and the sky was still very much blue at times. To get a book printed writers had two main options - find a publisher or self publish. The former was tough, took a long time and only seemed available to those who wrote full time or had a background of writing. That's not true for every individual author, however as a blanket statement I think I'm safe to say it. Self publishing, when done correctly, was and remains fairly expensive. It is this option that is important when considering indie authors and publishing.

When an option is available and expensive to a point that it's just within reach it forces the consumer to take their time over a decision. Nobody stumps up a large sum of cash on a whim when they know they can't go back and select a better option, a nicer colour, the one with different accessories. The same goes for books. No published book can be rearranged easily, particularly if you can only afford a small run and are taking a chance on your work. This means all doubts must be settled before the book goes to print, the cover must be perfect, the content must be studied for mistakes, the story must not feature a weird aunt who pops up for no reason. Time is taken, feedback is sought and everything is finalised before the files go off to become print.

With an eBook these details can be ignored. Sure, when a book is published it is forever. It's done. What happens when an eBook author receives the feedback that one of their paragraphs doesn't make sense, though? It is simpe to review the work, remove it from the internet and upload a new version. Bang. Nobody really notices unless the book has sold thousands of copies beforehand. This ease of editing, combined with the fact that nobody has parted with any money, makes the whole process more hideous than poor self publishing and vanity publishing combined.

It may settle down to a point where writers realise their efforts are flooding the market and putting readers off anything that is independently published, thereby negating any work they've put in anyway. However we are currently stuck with a mass of diluted story telling from writers that think editing is something done by newspapers, and I should know. I've seen hundreds of them. This morning.

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Lyvit T-Shirts

Lyvit clothing is now available.

T-Shirts £15
Hoodies £30
Kids T-Shirts from £12
(Stickers £1.51)

Monday, 18 July 2011

Lyvit Artwork @ RedBubble

Friday, 3 June 2011

Why I hate Sci Fi

I don't hate all Sci Fi, that would be mad. I do hate most of it, though. Here's why.

When facing a dilemma a person has a limited number of choices. With a rabid dog snarling on their path, running away or kicking the crap out of it are the only likely scenarios. There may be a broken bottle nearby or a hoodie with a samurai sword he's nicked but that's about it. There's a rabid dog, sort it out.

When it comes to Sci Fi there are endless possibilities. This is fantastic for writers and readers with amazing imaginations, however when I pick up a book or watch a film I tend to want a plausible conclusion - battered heads, broken legs, even a counselling session where the rabid dog realises the error of it's ways, apologises and takes the time to contact anybody it may have upset over the years.

An infinite number of improbable weapons or situations such as time travel have never appealed to me as, at the time of going to press, it could never happen. I've dreamed of what I might do if I could travel back in time, leaving the images firmly in my head. I don't want to deny anybody their right to the sublime, it's more that my subconscious can't detach itself from real life. I have a long writing career ahead of me if all goes well and I'm sure I will run out of probable scenarios, but when I do make sure I haven't fallen into another world in another dimension.

My feet should remain firmly on the ground at all times.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Kama Slumber Q&A

I have been asked to do a Kama Slumber Q&A, so here it is as it was posted on Twitter. @Scott_Ruminates asks the questions. Here we go...

Q1. In 140 characters or less can you describe what Kama Slumber aims to provide the reader?

Kama Slumber is a tongue-in-cheek look at sleeping positions, not to be taken too seriously. It was written purely to raise a smile.

Q2. What qualities did you see in Helen to star in the book. Was one of them 'laziness'?

I'd seen a few stills of Helen and knew she would be great as a model. Her work is always very professional, which struck me.

Q3. For research purposes, did you trial the positions in bed for several weeks beforehand prior to producing the book?

The only reference I had for the positions was a stickman drawing of each drawn in a notebook. Any alterations were done on shoot day.

Q4. Did you use your own bed in the book?

The bed came from Freecycle about a month before it was needed. It went back on Freecycle the day after the shoot. (

Q5. How long did the book Kama Slumber take to produce?

The photoshoot took about 1 1/2 hours as the light was perfect & we had the notebook as a guide. The writing took around a month or so.

Q6. Did Helen actually fall asleep at any point during the photoshoot?

I loaded Helen with coffee before the shoot to avoid that problem. Each position was shot in 1 take so there was no time to nap.

Q7. Al Murray & Robin Ince both gave Kama Slumber glowing reviews. Are you aware of any other celebrity readers?

I forced the book on Ewen Macintosh and rumour is rife that Gary Barlow stole a copy from a branch of Waterstones.

Q8. What time do you go to bed?

I try to get to bed at a sensible time as I work during the week, but sometimes when I’m writing it can be much later than expected.

Q9. Is Kama Slumber available as an audiobook?

I'm not sure if Kama Slumber would translate well as an audiobook but I will happily produce one on request should a reader need one.

Finally, Q10. Will we be seeing a follow-up to Kama Slumber ?

A follow up is unlikely as I believe the book works well on it's own but I would never rule it out. Anything could happen in the future.

I hope that gives you all a better insight into Kama Slumber. Thanks to @Scott_Ruminates for the questions. Buy your copy at or a copy for your Kindle at Amazon.

Follow me on Twitter - @Lyvit
Follow Scott on Twitter - @Scott_Ruminates
Follow Helen on Twitter - @TheDelovely
Follow Kama Slumber on Twitter - @KamaSlumber

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Dark Dawns Bring Blood

Guest Blogger - Alya Bessex

During the early part of 2009 I had the idea to do a dark poetry book. I'd read quite a bit of poetry, including that of Terry Lander, and I liked the idea of including myself in the 'poet' category. I'd already written 'The Unaired Views Of A Twenty Four Year Old Nobody' and felt that a darker direction was needed.

I got in touch with Terry at Lyvit to see if he would be happy to publish it and, after a couple of days of debating, he agreed. I set to work putting it all together, deciding on a shorter book of just 100 pages as I wanted to make the content as powerful as possible without diluting it too much. This also meant readers shouldn't get bored while reading.

The problem I had was the title. I wanted something that screamed about the poems, ripping the reader away from other books and into mine. I knew that I wanted a demonic car on the front too, choosing Terry's Mini as they have such a cheeky charm that suggests an air of evil lurking in the background. Meep meep, I'm coming to kill you.

As I was finishing the last few poems a film was released with the title 'Drag Me To Hell' by Sam Raimi. It hit me immediately - the imagery of being dragged across a concrete floor until you're bleeding and screaming before plunging to the depths of a fiery afterlife really conjured up the image I was going for. I'm not a sadist, I just wanted a book that brings home the reality of the worst people roaming the planet. Finally, 'Dark Dawns Bring Blood' came to me. While everyone is still asleep, the scum of the earth roam to bring the red tides flowing. It was perfect.

I'm only writing about this now because I finally saw the film last night and have to say I really enjoyed it. The premise of a gypsy curse had been done before in Stephen King's 'Thinner', but the film didn't suffer any more for the repetition. The ending really caught my attention as the promise of the title came to life on screen. Drag me to hell. Done.