Sunday, 8 December 2013

ALL in a night’s work

“Big night tonight, you know”

“I know”

Mrs Christmas did know. She’d heard the same thing every year for more than a century, hoping that the sponsorship laid on by Coke might have calmed him down a bit but realising that it just made him a little more sure of himself.

As Mrs C finished the dishes she looked in on Santa with his feet up and a mince pie in his hand. He had crumbs down his suit and his hat was lying on the floor despite her constant reminders for him to put it at the bottom of the stairs. The sink gurgled as the water drained away and Mrs C sighed when she realised her husband had yet another plate. Her dishes weren’t yet complete.

“Little Oliver in Austria is on thin ice. Apparently he’ll make snowmen for the other children of the square and then smash them up again. If that isn’t treading the line between naughty and nice, I don’t know what is!”

Little Oliver came up every year. There were good children who did bad things and bad children who did good things, but Oliver was a conflict unto himself in the list. Mrs C was sick of hearing about him. She shrugged off his antics once more and drew the hoover from the cupboard.

“Must you do that now? I’m watching Celebrity Jungle Extravaganza. Might enter for it next year.”

It seemed the merry-go-round of phrases wasn’t yet complete. He would be leaving in an hour and that gave Mrs C twenty four  hours of peace before the whole charade started for another year. She drew a breath and put the hoover back, contemplating replacing the broken skirting but realising the hammering would interrupt him further.

“Then, I have so much to do that I doubt I could fit in weeks in the jungle too. I have to go round the world you know!”

She knew. Oh, how she knew.

Finally the time had come. Mrs C kissed Santa on his chubby red cheek and bid him farewell, hoping for a safe return as the love had never waned but also crossing her fingers that he’d get himself a coffee this year and give her an extra fifteen minutes. It was the one time of the year that she didn’t have to clean up his socks or make him a sandwich and, as with every year, she was going to make the most of it. She waved the sleigh off and closed the door, flicking the kettle on and smiling to herself.

He was a busy man, there was no doubt about that. However, it was all in a night’s work for him.

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Terry's Train of Thought

Terry's Train of Thought is a weekly extravaganza of music and chat from 10am - 11.30am every Friday on Redruth Radio. As well as requests and shout outs Terry regularly delves back into the long lost music of the 90's and 2000's, hoping to stir the kid that's lurking inside all of us.

There are regular features such as the Pound Shop album of the week, inspired by the quality of CDs available in local dirt cheap establishments and proving just how stuck in the best of the past Terry really is. He also takes a look at obscure sports of the world with the help of Producer Simon, from the World Beard and Moustache Championships to Chess Boxing, highlighting the variety of activities that people spend their spare time doing.

There is a weekly competition in association with giving listeners the chance to win tickets to a LS event in Cornwall. To be in with a chance of winning involves running onto the LS page during the show and answering a simple question.

Listeners can get in touch with the show either via, or via text on 07726591241. Often Producer Mary is manning the contact forums so be sure to say Hello and get your requests in early.

Anybody missing the show can always catch up later that evening at and past shows will be there for weeks afterwards. Join us for the best music, chat and reviews of films that Terry will never go to see in our regular 'One To Maybe Miss' feature.

Tune in every Friday at 10am via

Saturday, 9 November 2013

The Problems with Dial Up



The server has been interrupted

By What?

Just interrupted. That’s all you need to know.



Verifying Username and Password (Final Stage)

Username and/or password is incorrect

It’s the same one I always use

You must have typed them incorrectly

But YOU saved them!

Just try again



Unable to connect

That’s a bit vague

It’s not me who wants to be connected

Ok then…



(5 Minutes later)


Are you dialling, or are you just saying that you are?

Patience, just wait a second


The server has timed out

I thought you said you were dialling!

When I said patience, I meant wait for the reason that I WASN’T dialling

This is getting ridiculous, you’ve done this a million times before

Why don’t you play cards or something?

I don’t pay a monthly fee for you to sit there and do nothing


Noooo…please don’t do it, I may never come back…

Welcome Back

Don’t patronise me



That was a bit sad, begging me not to turn you off

I’m busy, can’t you see?


Unable to connect

You’ve already done that one

It’s for a different reason

What was the first reason?

I can’t tell you

And this one?

I can’t tell you that, either

Pathetic, you stupid thing



Error 23964 - This system will close immediately


Can’t you read?



What for? I’ve been here for half an hour and I haven’t seen a glimpse of the Internet

You’ve seen it before, haven’t you?

I only came on to check my email

You won’t have any

What’s it got to do with you?



The server…

Don’t you dare tell me the server was interrupted

…cannot be found

Have you tried looking?

Of course, did you dial the right number?

YOU tell ME, there’s no number on the screen! I trust you to dial the right number!

How long have you known me to trust me like that?




The Port is open

I’m almost excited that you’re showing me a new message, but I can’t help thinking that it’s a bad one

Why would you think that?

Because all of your messages are bad

Oooooh, you cheeky…

It is, though, isn’t it?


What does it mean?

It means that I’m already trying to dial

Did I tell you to?

You didn’t tell me not to. Plus it’s the only way to get online.

Why didn’t you tell me you were already dialling? Forget it, I doubt I even want to know. Have you finished yet?




This service has not been able to connect. If the problem persists, please ring technical support on 0906 800 0000

The problem has been persisting for a very long time, yet I have not once been told to ring technical support

I don’t think they can fix user problems

Define ‘user problems’…

It’s simple – you’re the user, and that’s the problem

I also happen to be your master

Oh holy one, will I be considered for eternal life?

Don’t start with me, I’m at the end of my tether because of your inability to do one simple job



Verifying Username and Password

Why has the screen gone blank?

Er, hang on. I’m not sure. Just sorting the…


Hang on

Why does that surprise me? I shouldn’t be surprised

I said one minute! Stop clicking things!

Fine, fine, whatever you say

Try it again a minute



Seems to have done the job

What job?

The job of sorting out whatever was wrong a second ago

Your problem, then

How do you know it was me?

It’s always you


It’s done it again! I don’t believe it!

It’s fine. I know what it is now

But you can’t tell me, right?

Right. This should be it now



You’d better be

Can’t you hear the tones? Bleeeeep bleep bleep

You’re whistling them, aren’t you? There is no tone. You’re just keeping me here

Don’t flatter yourself


Bleeeeeep, bleeeeeeeeep

Verifying Username and Password

You’d better have got it right

You typed it

No I didn’t – The one I typed got me on to the Internet last time. It’s you that’s messed it up this time

Still verifying…

Get a move on


About time too

Loading page…

This program has performed an illegal operation and will close immediately.

A what?

It says illegal. Would you like me to spell it phonetically?

What has it done, robbed a bank?

Oh har har. I haven’t heard that one before. Anyway you’re still connected, just open the page again.

Open page


(Computer ‘falls’ out of upstairs window)

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Conversations With My Paintbrush

I've been writing a lot of dialogue recently for plays etc. and, as such, it has led me to have a million conversations in my head with objects that are within my proximity. Here's one from this morning that occurred while I was painting the underside of my Mini bonnet.

Me: I guess you're lucky this morning.

Paintbrush: Why's that?

Me: You get to paint with Hammerite.

Paintbrush: Why does that make me lucky?

Me: Being associated with such a good brand. We're essentially bullet-proofing this metal.

Paintbrush: I see what you're saying...

Me: Glad you agree.

Paintbrush: I didn't say I agreed.

Me: Oh?

Paintbrush: It's a privilege to be using such a good material, but think of it from my point of view.

Me: I've got plenty of thinners, it'll come out of your hair.

Paintbrush: I'm not worried about that, if anything hardened paint makes my hair look stylish.

Me: Right.

Paintbrush: It's the finished product, the bit that everyone looks at. They will either say one of two things.

Me: Such as..?

Paintbrush: They'll either say it looks really good, which they'll attribute to the Hammerite, or they'll say there are loads of runs and it looks rubbish which they'll attribute to you. Either way, good or bad, they won't mention me.

Me: It's a good point. Would you like me to name check you if people say what a good job we've done?

Paintbrush: Name check? Have you named me?

Me: Not really, but I could say, "Brushy and I did a good job".

Paintbrush: I'd rather not be mentioned than have a ridiculous name like 'Brushy'.

Me: OK, sorry. What would you rather be called?

Paintbrush: Forget it, it's not a big deal.

*Awkward silence*

Paintbrush: Your paint's started to run.